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Wasting My Youth, C’est La Vie

3 Nov

There are a lot of things that my mother has been right about over the course of my teenage years. Now, a month short from turning 21 years old, I am beginning to question if this is one of them.

I would love to argue with her and tell her that she is wrong. Tell her that age is just a number and that he loves me. But honestly? I’m over that. I’m over telling her she’s wrong, even though I want her to be wrong so badly.

I am currently dating a man who is seventeen years older than me. He is divorced and has two lovely daughters, ages 13 and 9, whom I have come to care about very much, yes, I can even say I love them. We have been together for almost two years. In those two years, I have grown to love him, love him more than I thought I could ever love someone. As a person, as a friend, as a lover, I just love all of him. We connect in a way that leaves me at a loss for words,(which is a rare occurrence for someone like me). We even spoke about  getting married sometime in the future, and even though I didn’t let him know it then, just the idea of spending the rest of my life with him has motivated me more to finish school and get my career in motion.

After having lived with him for about a year, and recently moving back to my parents’ house about a month ago, it would be a stretch to say that we have had a “normal” relationship. However, not being “normal” doesn’t necessarily mean that we haven’t been happy. Or so I thought.

On average, he sees his girls about once a month, twice if he’s lucky. Recently they’ve been asking to see more of him but it’s hard because of time, money and the distance between their house and his. With good reason, my boyfriend is terribly upset by this and for two days now, has only answered one of my phone calls and one of my text messages.

At the risk of sounding selfish, I am angry that he is not answering my attempts to contact him because I need him too. I know that he’s having a hard time, and I really wish I could help him, but part of being in a relationship means that we can rely on each other. Be each other’s rock.

Moving back to my parents’ house has been really hard on me. Crying every night when I try to go to sleep without him, crying every morning when I don’t see him next to me. And let’s not forget, crying every time I go to his house and I have to leave. He has never not listened to my bitching, but this month has been particularly difficult for both of us. I feel alone, lost, and now, questioning how or if this is all going to work out.

While the relationship has brought me lots of happiness, it has been a constant struggle between my head and my heart. It could be that I am looking too far ahead, or maybe that I was never looking far enough ahead. At the moment I feel stuck, or really too pressured to fast forward through my twenties to make someone else happy. I’ve often thought about my future and there are many things I have always thought of doing before settling down with someone. Travel, graduate, make a lot of stupid mistakes that I can tell my kids about in the future (haha), and hopefully make money before I decide to even have a family.

My mom says that I am wasting my youth by dating an older man who already has the responsibility of children. She says I have to “find myself” and “live”. And for a long time I’ve been telling myself that I am “living” the way I want to, but today as I wait for my boyfriend to answer my phone calls I realize he’s already “lived” and has his reason for living; his girls.

Though I cannot blame either of them for wanting what is best for their children, I do want to know where this leaves me.

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I wrote the above about a year ago while I was in a very serious relationship that may not have been ready for at the time. I had originally titled this post “Wasting My Youth”, but now that I look back on it, I don’t know if I was. After all, it was not a bad relationship. I learned a lot, laughed a lot, and most of all LOVED a lot. The problem was that I questioned the relationship too much and if you can’t trust yourself to know what’s right, that’s enough to drive you insane.

The right decisions aren’t always the easy ones. C’est la vie.

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Brains and Hearts and Feelings

16 Sep

I think the biggest fight I’ve ever gotten into has been with myself. The one between my head and my heart. I don’t know what it is but they’re mortal enemies. It’s almost like they fake liking each other and then one day, when the heart is feeling extra happy, the head just wants to make it miserable. Then when the head is feeling confident, the heart breaks it down like no tomorrow. It’s an awful feeling, really.

The worst is that in situations like these, most of the time, there’s no winning. If you side with your heart, you may feel like you’re letting yourself down. If you side with your heart, you start thinking about all of the “what-ifs”.This will go on for awhile until something else comes up that is worth thinking about and maybe even then you’re still going to be kicking your own ass about the decision you thought so much about taking. Like I said, no winning.

So what do we do when we’re faced with a heart/head debate? To be honest, I have no idea. But my guess is that flipping a coin will probably save you a lot of time and headaches.

If I Can’t Touch Me, Why Can You?

7 Aug

I’ve been feeling a little risqué lately, so instead of putting on some daring red lipstick ( ‘cause lord knows I don’t own any) or trying a new dare devil-once-in-a-lifetime- extreme bucket list activity, let’s flesh it out here. Let’s talk about the unspoken pleasure, an event I’m sure we’ve all taken part in, but are waaaay to “lady-like” to admit it…a lovely term we all know as masturbation. I know, I know it’s gross to even read it on the page, but why is that? A deed that is as natural to us as breathing? Why do we soo quickly negatively judge the safest sexual activity (speaking in likeliness if STI’s) there is?

Throughout the course of history, women have been lead into developing certain kinds of relationships, very distant relationships, with themselves and with their bodies, uncomfortable ones at best unsatisfying ones at worst. For as long as there has been an America there has been a strict and rigid format women had always been expected to follow. In America’s early years, recreational sex was never an accepted “code of conduct” for women. Those who deviated from it were women who were no longer “ladies”; women who were open about sex and pleasure techniques even till this day are criticized and condemned to an extent.

The only time I’ve ever seen female masturbation being glorified is when it is done for the sake of a partner watching. This reinforces the ostracizing of women from their own beings because the only time it is deemed ok to make YOU feel good, is for SOMEONE ELSE. If doing this is supposed to be for your own pleasure why does someone else have an agency over your body that really is only entitled to you?? Now, I am a feminist at heart and of course a lot of my sentiment and drive lies within the unjust effects our society has on the mind of us as women,but I do think it is also important to look at the stigmatization of masturbation for men as well. They have it rough. This may be one of the ONLY categories that men may be more distressed and misunderstood in than us ladies. You want to know why? It’s gross. Plain and simply put, it is nasty. Or at least that’s how mainstream media portrays it. The man who does that is usually a perv who is incapable of getting laid. At least for us, it has an appeal of being sexy to an audience. There are not many cases that I’ve witnessed or heard of where it’s attractive to see a man “taking care of himself”.

It’s immediately associated with derogatory images and events. First ones that come to mind for me are cheating, getting caught watching porn, and Pee Wee Herman, you remember him. The guy publicly jacked off inside a movie theatre? It all barrels down to very embarrassing conclusions: he’s desperate, he’s a sex addict, he has no “game”…. It’s looked at as an insult in a lot of situations. Why the hell is that? Funny how the male sexual desires are acknowledged but yet in the physicality of it, masturbation is every bit as shunned for men as it for women.

A proposal for it? Hmm, I really wish I had one. Why is America, a place where sex and masturbation in all its kinky forms raids and lives within its media and the minds of its public audiences so offended and disgusted by something so seemingly minute as this?

By the always clever and entertaining Sam Hogan. 

The Infamous “Oh, He’s Not My Type”.

28 Jul

As I am getting older and more familiar with the dating world, I am beginning to realize that finding the “perfect” guy is a little bit harder than how they make it seem in the movies. I know girls who make checklists of what they want their boyfriends to be like and honestly, a lot of the times they describe guys you can only find in Disney movies.

Having a “type”, can possibly be the worst thing you can do for your dating life. For example, lets say you want to date someone with a steady job, more or less around your age, and they can’t be smokers. Then, you meet someone that meets two of three of your requirements. Do you completely blow them off and not see them again because they don’t happen to fit your dream profile? No, no, no and NO. In all honesty, that seems a little silly. Doesn’t it?

There seems to be a certain type of guy that at one point in their life every girl pictures herself with. Tall, handsome, has a six digit salary, and a nice family. The truth is, not all guys that fit that profile are good guys, and they don’t have to fit that profile to be a good guy. The same thing goes for girls. You don’t have to cook, clean, and look like a runway model to be a catch. After all, no one really knows what they want until they have it in front of them .

The point, is that you can really miss out on someone great (and perfect for you)  if you’re looking for the “perfect” person to come along. Don’t push people away because they’re not what you think you “should” be dating. Because in the end, that “type” that you’ve been looking for might not be the right type for you anyway.

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Originally published ( a while ago) on The University Lifestyle . Edited and republished by yours truly.